changes
23 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
nice to meet new people. got a haircut. its different. i need to change things. apparently starting with my hair. can’t wait to dye it. blondenes. i downloaded a movie Last weekend. and got some other things. i didn’t get a chance to distribute to he who asked. i wanna write my book.
I’m over it.
23 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
It only recently hit me how familiar all of this was. It’s not going to happen this time.
I’m still not going to give in. Just saying.
Uh… yeah.
Long weekend. More than enough time.
Let me find something to do.
I’d delete my posts. But there are a lot of things that i just don’t wanna delete. Hmmm…. New category ? Dunno maybe.
The smile of a misanthrope.
I miss that song. Random Misanthropy. Remember?
Pouting will get me no where.
22 Feb 2012 3 Comments
I’m upset. That much is true. I’m not mad, well.. At everyone.. I’m upset. At broken trust. And lies, miscommunication. And how I lost things in being thoughtful. I thought I knew people better, I thought they knew me better. I dunno. In a way, I’m over it. I have to be. Being heartbroken once more, used simply of ones satisfaction one more, set up to look bad.. All of it, it’s not something new to me, But it’s these kinds of situations where I realize, people really don’t know anything about me. Not as much as I think anyway.My likes and dislikes, sure. But do they understand the love and compassion I have for my friends, what I give up to make those around me happy? Do they really know how in certain situations I will behave? I’ve faced death before, on my own account and with others, I don’t run like a little girl. There’s something that goes on in my mind, something that I can’t explain. But even when I have nothing more , I still don’t wanna give up. If i give up on myself, then I give up on everyone else. I wish those people could feel what I feel.
Nah, I’m not going with boohoo I’m a tortured soul. i’ve been through more shit than you know. I really haven’t been through much. But I’ve experienced things most people shouldn’t. doesn’t make me special. I have emotions that are complete polar opposites. In which i couldn’t care less about things, but at the same time when my best friend might give the faintest insult it would hit me like a dagger. I don’t like to lie, but somethings I do it. I do it to get people things that they want. I do it to make sure that people are happy. Some things I can’t understand that happen. But its whatever. I don’t even know. If I’m wrong. let me know. give me an explanation.. Don’t just sit there while other people are telling me that you’re full of shit or that im wrong..
I have such a headache right now.. Maybe things will be made right.. I know for a fact now, that I’ve done nothing wrong.. Compared to what I hear or see when I stumble along, when I troll.. Which reminds me. Kongregate, doesn’t seem ilke the place for me anymore. Might change my mind. probably would..
It’s so hard, But you are right welsey, in a way.., well. more ways than one.
Certain people. i’m sickened with. As in.. I’m broken. I don’t wanna talk to them, others I do.
Its like drama drama drama. Just because someone fucked up on their explanation on a situation. How weird is it for my whole group not to acknowledge each other.. I have worse things… And I don’t wanna bribe to make things better, I want things to be better.
Protected: Everything’s Falling Apart (The post that changed my life)
21 Feb 2012 Enter your password to view comments.
They’re always accidents.
21 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
I don’t remember the last time I felt this sad. He keeps telling me… I’ve done nothing wrong… It’s all of their faults.. I’m not to blame. Perhaps I deserve it. All of it.That’s where you’re wrong.. That everything has it’s own reason for happening. This happen to be to push me until I couldn’t handle it anymore. Congrats. I wish people could say shit to my face… I’m sick of the whispers….Nothing would make me feel worse. I hear I deserve better.But clearly… This is as good as it gets. Find something.
This blog is my something.. I’m through ranting to people, it gets me no where.I’d rather rant pointlessly on a website that no one really gives a shit about. This isn’t the kind of do over that I was hoping for…All I wanted was to not feel alone. And now I have no heart. All I wanted was an escape.And now I have no emotion. All I wanted was to talk. And now I know I’m a bad person.
I’m not even trying to be mopey.. I don’t know what I am to be honest. I feel sick to my stomach and no matter what I do, the feeling won’t go away.Did I do it out of spite? … I hope I didn’t.. I wish I hadn’t done it at all. If it wasn’t this month. It was next month. So that isn’t helping. I don’t remember. ..
I feel nausea.. and disgust… confusion… hatred… And the only advice I’ve gotten. “Get the fuck over it. Get it through your skull” on someone that wasn’t even the entire problem to begin with. and “be positive, give it another chance.” It’s like telling an alcoholic who just got out of rehab to try drinking again and maybe it would go better… I’m sick of hearing that things are going to be better. I’ve been waiting .for the longest time. And my patience collapsed in a matter of 4 days..
All I feel is sudden hatred, then sadness, depression, nausea.. if I smile, I wanna cry. I’m sick of people, sick of life, sick of myself. I can’t even write everything I want to… I don’t even know what to write.. I just keep on typing. If this honestly turns to being bipolar it would suck.
Never thought I’d reach my breaking point…not like this.I can’t write music.. Every expression of mine is on every drawing that lines the floor from my bed to my couch. Testing people, giving chances… Giving people the benefit of the doubt, being nice, this is where it’s gotten me? Why does doing the right thing make me feel like shit, why does following my heart also make me feel the same.You know what? It doesn’t matter. Just one more post. And well see where things go from there, because I can’t . No more bullshit.
rhetorical questions
21 Feb 2012 3 Comments
should i just get rid of my blog..everything that goes along with it…i can’t help but to continuously feel like shit.like everything is my fault.guess it is..i am just lost.resorting to confiding everything in on this blog. … it’ll be over soon.. i wanna eat ..and i wanna go home …i feel bad. i didn’t expect to have to talk down my teacher. whatever
Why feel sorry for yourself
20 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
if you cant do anything to change what happened to you…..of course the bus is playing ‘gotta keep your head up’ or whatever that song is called. instead of good luck i swear it said good fuck…anyway. i currently have a constant nausea. dunno if its hate.or nerves. apparently i give off a strong negative vibe to.even when i don’t want to. just so much built up. but again, why let it bother you? is there a sort of twisted satisfaction that people get from living in those things that cause you the most damage? or listening to compliments. why do we all deny them? insecurities? attention? why is craving a little attention so bad? maybe we need it.the world relies on it. lock yourself in a room alone. no communication out of that room. even the strongest of us breaks sometimes. we die when we don’t have internet for a day or a couple of hours, we need attention whether we wanna accept it or not. I’d love to just scream out everything that’s wrong with me out to the world. ..too much attention is bad.need and want are different…my mind can’t be clear enough to process anything outside. i don’t wanna even be here. when. making decisions, think long term…as in. BAD idea Cuz i know im gonna regret this. being in high-school. or any year really. i think 16 and up. definitely 18, you’re so excited to do things on your own. driving. going out.having sex.drinking. whatever the young people are doing. sometimes if you’re not doing it you feel left out.like you wanna do it. things like that, all kinds of experience isn’t there to show how mature people are. Sometime’s they’re just there to show people how immature they really are. Even if it’s a hard lesson to have to learn.
There are those moments where you just gotta keep a smile on. Keep a smile on for those that you know are going to be able to see through it.. I can’t wait to upload my pictures that I’ve been drawing. I need to fix them then add color to my favorite one. Because I draw sideways… with my slanted clipboard… Once I’m finished is when I realize how abnormal my picture is.. I drew a pretty girl yesterday…. Looking at it straight she looks like an evil ghost…wide ghost too… slanted down she looks like a zombie. in the mirror like she’s gonna jump out at you… odd how your eyes can work like that..
You… lied to me. and like…a pendeja. I fell for it.. again… And I was thinking about it… I put a lot of effort into it. Cuz it meant something to me. What the fuck ever. You. And everyone else like you. Can go to hell.
I wanna go home. and I just wanna go to sleep..
If you read my blog.. I’ve ranted about a lot lately.. I know people can assume they know what I’m talking about. You don’t.. Trust me.. More than one person applies to my posts.
I’m gonna be sick.
I need you…And you don’t even know it…
I don’t wanna do this anymore
19 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
…Out of spite? Out of what? I don’t know where it comes from. But I know it was bad. And I still win nothing. If I’m better than this, why don’t I feel it… All I feel is sick.
Fuck, I wish things were different… I just want a do-over… in life.
No idea what I’m feeling.. But I’m sore. My arm hurts. Walking hurts. I just want sleep, If I can get it..I just want my mind to stop this..
…I wonder if it is true, that youre better off without me? I’m still gonna be sick… I wanna relax.
I care.I wonder if you do
18 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
I can’t wait. I’m posting off my phone again. if i lose the post, I’ll be worse off. aside from disliking assumptions I hate the people who tell me what I can or can’t do. what I’m thinking or anything about me i didn’t tell them. apparently, all i am is a waste of time. never gonna accomplish anything. IM one grade away from straight A’s. but my grades are all low. assumption. i spend all my time playing ps3 apparently. i had just turned it on for the first time in almost 60 days and its been longer than that since I’ve played. i get shit thrown in my face based on pure bullshit. no accusation is valid. why do people not ever trust my judgement ? they just believe that things are going to show up when u want them then i get yelled at Cuz i can’t control shit. what can i say? so i say nothing. lo and behold. that’s a problem. …. whatever. my house is haunted. i was just watching TV and the exercise ball started rocking back and forth. not a little. a lot. i was no where near it. i thought it was cool. …. a one inch wire my mom uses for earrings thin wire.one inch long.i stepped on a piece.it was like a thickish needle. sharp where she cut it.it flew away and she never found it. i did though. i thought it was like a thorn wound and i could pull it off.it was more than halfway in there and it was hard to pull out.i thought it was a little piece. hurts to walk a little. blood probably built up and it bruised. car door hit me and cracked my arm too. dunno how i feel about that yet…. i have a migraine ..can’t make plans without them being fucked up.can’t do anything Cuz i don’t care about anything and i don’t do nothing. not that i had just cleaned shit up. the wire in my foot was my fault for not wearing shoes. on carpet. i was happy Cuz i drew something. Cuz i got a picture acknowledged. things i care about….why were they thrown in my face to make them insignificant? i didn’t even wanna go to Vail pride day anymore. no point. if its not important. ill show people how i am when i don’t care. why when its important to me it doesn’t exist.if i want something Im selfish. worse is i lose hope every time. and when it matters what am i looking to.
